E3 2015 is just around the corner which means gamers are shortly going to be enjoying a plethora of announcements, trailers and more whilst journalists will struggle to keep up with everything. Here’s my top 10 wishes for E3 2015.
10. Phil Spencer goes full kit w***er
Phil, you’ve teased us countless times at E3 with your unashamed, branded t-shirts. It’s time to go big or go home. I demand a ScreamRide jacket over the top of a Kingdom for Keflings shirt, accompanied by shoes with Don Mattrick’s face on and a pair of jeans sponsored by the Rise of the Tomb Raider. The jeans must be replaced quickly though; time exclusive, remember. Anything less and your conference is a failure.
9. Andrew Wilson presents FIFA 16 with a professional female player who no-one knows
To be honest, this is less a wish and more a prediction because I wouldn’t put it past EA to do this. What with the news that women are going to be in a FIFA game for the first time in FIFA 16 don’t be surprised to see them bring a female athlete onto the stage who no-one knows. I don’t know any female athletes anyway. To tell you the truth, I don’t know any of the people they bring on stage anyway.
8. Mark Cerny announces a gory FPS, rated M for Mature
Mark Cerny comes on stage, everyone expects him to talk about something cuddly or childish. “Is this guy trying to get employed by Nintendo?” they cry, only to be amazed when he rips off his shirt to show off a tattoo on his chest, announcing his new game – Battle Cry Fury War. The audience, horrified, vacate the room. Knack is announced as a multiplayer skin for those who pre-order.
7. Microsoft admits Kinect is done
I mean, there is literally no chance of it happening, but wouldn’t it be nice for Peter Molyneux to come on stage, fool everyone into thinking he’s going to promise stuff about a new game that will never turn out to be real, and then say “you know what, Project Milo was chuffing bollocks and Kinect is no more”. It would be the best thing he could ever do for the industry and all his mistakes would be forgiven.
6. SONY turns the tide
Before Andrew House leaves the stage for the last time, he has one last line: “All in all, we hope you continue to believe in our product for 2015. We know the Xbox One is breathing down our neck, which is why Uncharted 4 is available on all of your PS4’s right now, for free. I’m off for a cheeky Nando’s.”
5. Nintendo insult men
Out of nowhere, Kaz Hirai takes to the stage in the middle of a Square Enix press conference. Amiibo in hand, he tears his toy apart and shouts at fully grown men for buying pointless toys made for 6 year olds. “It’s because of you that we’re perceived as family-friendly, I’ve had enough, stop buying this garbage. Grow up.” The victims whimper in their seats before picking up the broken Amiibo pieces to add to their collection.
4. EA scraps Star Wars Battlefront
Realising that their upcoming reboot of the popular Battlefront franchise is not going to be up to scratch, EA retract the game from existence. “We realise that many of you were looking forward to our new version of Star Wars Battlefront, but don’t worry, we still have precious IP’s like Mirror’s Edge to ruin. To soften the blow, we are however announcing Battlefield Hardline 2.”
3. There’s another awesome thing to do with Scarecrow
At last year’s E3, Scarecrow was present for a trailer for Batman Arkham Knight. He played around with the lighting system and made people think that there lives were in danger. It was in fact a warning. Those who don’t heed it will fall victim to another attack this year. Everyone in the audience is given a pod and forced to play The Order 1886. Torment ensues.
2. Bethesda announces Dishonored 2
Dishonored was a great game. Here’s hoping Arkane Studios have tirelessly been working on a sequel since the original game was released because the element of choice and variety of playstyles in the game was a breath of fresh air. For a first outing in a potential series it was fantastic but not perfect so there’s still room for improvement in the sequel.
1. Bethesda announced Fallout 3 Remastered for the banter
“We all know that you’ve been waiting a long time for this one. Fallout 3 was a huge success back in 2008. We know so many of you enjoyed exploring the wastelands, picking up quests and playing the game at your own pace, which is why we’re bringing it to current-gen systems at 1080p/60fps. Only joking, here’s a trailer for Fallout 4 you impatient bastards.”